


Can you face your fears? Or would you run?

by Taei (mommie4life)



Category: Wheel of Time - Jordan
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-24
Updated: 2010-02-24
Packaged: 2017-10-07 12:42:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/65261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mommie4life/pseuds/Taei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taei Mirel's arches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Attempt

With a sigh Taei collapsed into her bed. Such a long day. She buried into her warm covers and was glad that she didn't have any early morning chores scheduled for the next day. Reveling in the clean feeling of having just bathed and changed clothes she wasn't far from sleep. The day that she had spent mucking out stalls in the stable was over. Not having the energy to even contemplate why she had been sent to the stables she quickly fell into a dreamless sleep.

\--

Shaking, the whole world was shaking! Sitting upright in bed Taei was shocked to find the Mistress of Novices standing at the foot of her bed. Still not thinking clearly she simply blinked up at the other woman and wished that she could put her head back down on the pillow, but some part of her mind knew better than to attempt it. "Come child." Was all the Mistress of Novices said. She then turned around and walked over to the door.

Still half awake Taei simply acted on instinct. She put on her slippers and wrapped her robe around her then followed the Aes Sedai out the door. Winding through the labirynth of corridors Taei tried to get her mind to wake up. The sleepiness fogging her brain didn't want to lift. Simply following Taei had no idea where they were going. When they finally stopped at a doorway it snapped her mind back to the present. She knew that she was deep in the heart of the tower. Deep down she knew that there was only one reason she would be brought down here in the middle of the night by the Mistress of Novices. Light help me!

The Mistress of Novices opened the door and then stood back, waving for Taei to go through first. Taking a deep breath she entered the room. The room seemed more like a cathedrial to Taei because unlike the rest of the rooms she had seen in the tower this one was like a dome. The most striking thing in the room, though was the ter'angreal. It's three silver arches seemed delicate and Taei wondered if it would break if you touched them or where they met the thick silver ring that supported them. Where each arch touched the ring there was an Aes Sedai sitting, concentrating on the silvery structure. Another Aes Sedai stood behind a table that had three silver chalices filled with water sitting on it. She didn't remember seeing any of the sisters present more than as someone she passed in the hallways. All of them and the Mistress of Novices were wearing their shawls.

I've been called. They want me to face my fears. Can I face my fears? What if...? The thoughts flew through her head like a whirlwind until she was interrupted by the Mistress of Novices.

"Two things that no woman hears until she enters this room. Once you begin, you must continue to the end. Refuse to go on, no matter your potential and you will be very kindly put out of the Tower with enough silver to support you a year, and you will never be allowed back. Second. To seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some women have entered, and never come out. When the ter'angreal was allowed to grow quiet, they - were - not - there. And they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Faltering leads to a failure."

"This is your last chance, child. You may turn back now, and you will have only mark against you. Twice more will you be allowed to come here, and only at the third refusal will you be put out of the Tower. It is no shame to refuse. Many cannot do it their first time here. Now you may speak."

I can't I just can't. What if I see myself die? What if I kill someone? And my past... it's just painful. Feeling the sweat bead up on her forehead she noticed that she was almost gasping for air. Panicking. Every nerve in her body told her to run, to run from the room. "No!"

Running from the room she almost collapsed outside the door. Half from fear, half from exhaustion. She felt as if she had run ten miles uphill. "I just can't. I can't!" She collapsed in a heap and sobbed.

When her sobs had subsided she heard the door open behind her. The Mistress of Novices gently laid a hand on her shoulder and helped her to her feet. The understanding written in the woman's face made Taei feel better and worse all at the same time. I failed, I failed the test of will. On the verge of tears again she stood and followed the Mistress of Novices back to her quarters. Tears made impossible for her to see anything but an outline of the figure that she followed through the hallways. Finally stopping at her doorway Taei felt relief wash over her.

"It's all right, child. Not all who come to that room can go in their first time." Putting a hand comfortingly on her shoulder she went on, "You will have two more chances, child." With a small smile the Aes Sedai walked off leaving Taei standing outside her door. Taei almost felt numb. She opened the door, replaced her robe and slippers and laid back down in her bed. I failed! Taei sobbed once more, all the fears she didn't know, all the things she couldn't face. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime she had managed to sob herself to sleep.

Taei Mirel


	2. Talking it Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taei after her first attempt at her arches.

Running. Running away. Something is after me. Impossible! It can't run, but it's after me. Taei tripped. Paniced she look behind her and...

Woke up. Taei was sitting straight up in her bed. Sweat poured down her forhead and her heart was racing. She felt as if she had run three laps around the tower. I don't understand. Why does it scare me so much?

The thing that had been following her was the ter'angreal used for the arches ceremony. She had ran, she had fled. Fled from what it might show her and now it hunted her in her dreams.

Looking out the window she noticed that it was almost time to get up anyways. Sighing she started her preparations for the day. No way I'm going to be able to go back to sleep now anyways. I need to do something about this, but what? Pondering her dilema she went about her morning routine.

\---

Lillian! That's it! I could talk to her. She seems reasonable and we seem to be able to talk rather easily. Taei would have went to her best friend, if she had one... Not many people understood her obsession with knowledge. It caused people to drift away from her to a certain extent.

Steeling her resolve she went off in search of Lillian, her recently assigned confidant.

Taei Mirel

 

Sighing, Lillian replaced the quill in the inkwell. Time for a break, she needed to clear her mind. Massaging her quill hand as she stood, she looked about the room. There were plenty of things that needed to be fixed, starting with the desk before her. Packing away the books neatly so they were stacked on their sides, everything was put in its place quickly enough. By the time she was done, the desk was cleared.

Smoothing the bed out, that was the last thing that needed doing about the room. Running a hand through her hair, she frowned before taking out her brush to deal with a couple of tangles that had formed. While some found it annoying, Lillian found it soothing more than anything else. It was easy to let her mind wander when her hands were occupied and she didn't have to focu-

Turning as she heard a knock, Lillian stood and put her brush away before calling whoever it was to come in. Smiling as she saw who it was, she gestured to the bed. "Come and sit down, I haven't seen you for awhile now. How have you been?"

 

Lillian Tremina

 

Taei stood outside Lillians room for a bit before she could find the courage to knock. Finally reaching up and rapping smartly on the door she wondered if she should even be here. She'll probably think I'm crazy.

Just then Lillian opened the door and Taei tried her best to greet her with a smile. "Come and sit down, I haven't seen you for awhile now. How have you been?" Taei walked inside and collapsed in the chair by the desk before even trying to respond.

Don't cry, just don't cry. Taking a deep breath she started. "I've been... better. I was wondering if you had a bit. If not I'll go away." The last part was almost hurried. She was almost hoping that Lillian would say she had a class in a few minutes and that Taei would be able to avoid the subject for a bit longer. Making a conscious effort not to fidget Taei waited.

Taei Mirel

 

Something was clearly wrong, Taei hadn't even seen her invitation to sit at the bed and had taken the seat instead. Her words were rushed, and she didn't seem to be in control of herself, not compared to when Lillian had seen her last. Taking a seat on the bed as close to Taei as she could, Lillian folded her hands in her lap as she spoke calmly. "Whats wrong?"

The question opened up the flood gates and Taei blurted it all out. Being called in the middle of the night half asleep, being afraid of being afraid, running from the room sobbing, everything. As Taei described her nightmares she started to sob, she just couldn't help it anymore. "I.. I kno-now that it's ir-r-rational, but I ca-can't help it." Looking at her feet she couldn't raise her eyes to the other woman's, she knew that Lillian must think that she's insane by now. Clearing her throat and wiping her eyes on her sleeve she coughed. "I know you must think I'm insane by now. I'll go." With that Taei started to get up from the chair.

Will this be my fate? It was a selfish thought, and one that Lillian quickly shoved aside. It was Taei that required her attention, and as unreal as it was, it was something that Lillian could relate to. Getting to her feet, Lillian went to Taei's side before falling kneeling down, taking one of Taei's hands in her own. "It is irrational, but no you're not going insane. Light Taei, most people don't want to talk about their arches and there is usually good reason for it. Its no wonder you're struggling with it."

Shocked by Lillian's response she fell back into the seat that she had half rose from. "But how can I.... how can I go in there? I know I have to, but I don't even know what fears it might show me." She paused for a moment trying to sort out her own thoughts as to why she was even so afraid. "I don't know of anything that I fear, really, and well... it's supposed to make you face your fears." On the verge of tears again she had to stop. "How can you prepare to face fears you don't know of?" Her hands started to shake and Taei grasped them together in her lap to still them. Looking down at her hands she knew she sounded ridiculous, but it was her dilema. Oh, why can't I just be normal for once....

Taking Taei's hands in her own, Lillian hoped that would help steady Taei as she spoke. "You can't, except to know that if you don't face them, then nothing will change. Do you really want to remain like this?"

It was an odd comfort for Lillian to take help steady her. She wasn't used to people actually seeing beyond the book in her hand. It only took her a second to figure out the response to that one. "Well, no. I guess that the suspense is killing me about it." Thinking for a moment, rational thought started to kick in. "I guess that the only way to get rid of the fear is to see what it is." A small sigh of relief escaped her. Her hands started to steady. "Like I said, I know it's irrational. I guess I just was looking for an answer that can't be found." Very quickly, her mood started to change. She smiled, actually smiled, for the first time in two weeks. Taking her hands back she stood up. "You know, I feel so stupid for even having to ask someone else and yet so relieved at the same time." Feeling the heat build in her cheeks she knew she must be beet red.

Laughing softly, Lillian got to her feet as she spoke. "There's no shame in asking, and I'm glad you trusted me enough to speak to me." Smiling reassuringly, she continued. "Remember, you needn't face anything alone. If you want my help, you need only ask it."

Relieved that her new friend understood she smiled even broader. Helping Lillian get to her feet she gave her a hug after she stood up. "Thank you, so much. And if you ever need anything let me know. It's the least I can do after, well, putting up with me." The light was back in her voice and a glint of mischief managed to make it back into her eyes. "I think I'm ready now. Only one way to find out what I'm afraid of anyways. Better now than in the middle of a conflict." Looking out the window she worried for a second. "I haven't made you late for anything, have I?" Concern was written on her face now. "If so, I will go with you and explain if you want." She hoped that she hadn't gotten Lillian in trouble with someone.

"No no, I have just been working away here. I was having a quick break when you came actually, so no harm done." Frowning at a thought, Lillian turned to her bed and smoothed it out as she continued. "Still, it wouldn't matter, my teachers for the moment are a little kind hearted. That is to say, Saya Sedai isn't amongst them." Turning back to Taei, there was a smile on her face as she continued. "There isn't anything else you need is there by any chance?"

Almost laughing at the mention of Saya Sedai, Taei grined. "Saya isn't the most forgiving, I know that." Noting the unspoken question, Taei sensed a longer conversation about to start. "I don't have anywhere to be today, really, I was just supposed to be doing some research, but I can do that later as easy as now." She smiled back at Lillian and waited on her to decide her next move.

Gesturing to the bed, Lillian smiled lightly. "Come and sit here, its more comfortable." Slipping off her shoes, Lillian slipped onto the bed and crossed her legs as she sat up. "What have you been up to since we last spoke? Apart from these dreams anyway."

Sitting to Lillian's left she followed suit and left her slippers on the floor so as not to ruin the beautiful spread. "Mostly the same old thing. They have been allowing me to do more research, though. I guess that's because I've been called to be tested." A small frown flashed across her face, but was immediately replaced by a smile again. "I've been researching everything I can find about the One Power. It's amazing how much knowledge there is sitting here in the tower unused." Not wanting to bore her with details she switched subjects. "How about you? What have you been up to?"

"Me? I missed a full year of the Tower, the expectation on me is to catch up, so that is how I seem to spend all my time, making up for my time spent on the Farm." A mixed blessing, a mixed curse, it had cut both ways yet Lillian chose to draw from the good moments, the good things about her time there rather than the bad. Folding her hands in her lap subconsciously as she spoke, Lillian was a touch wistful. "It was an interesting year.... But enough of that. What else has kept your fancy? Apart from your current research that is."

 

Lillian Tremina

Taei Mirel

 

Taei thought it best to leave the subject fo the Farm alone for now. "Let' see, there's the usual chores, classes, studying for classes, and of course keeping an eye out for tower guards." Taei gave Lillian a sly grin on the last part. "I'm usually not in the gossip circle, though." Taei was usually out of the loop because she diddn't care to be. She'd been the subject of gossip far too much before coming to the Tower to want in that loop.

The gossip circle, it was an easy way to label it, but truth be told when in a Tower where your every day was consumed by work, there was little left to do at the end of the day but talk. There were only so many things one could talk about before the conversation turned to others. While she steered clear of it herself, it wasn't to say she didn't understand why the 'gossip circle' did as they did. "Tower Guards? There's barely a chance to do anything but say hi to them." Lillian's tone left little doubt as to her frustration of it.

"True. there's not much of a way to talk to them. They have the yard and we have the tower. Doesn't mean you can't look when they do come around." Taei winked at Lillian. "After all, gotta find some fun around here."

Laughing, Lillian grinned conspiratorily. "Thats true, but still it would be nice to be able to actually talk to them. I thinks it been about a year now since I've spoken to a man, and the last time was fleeting at best. Howabout you? When was the last time you spoke to one I mean."

"Well... uhm..." Taei wasn't usually the type to go out of her way to talk to the trainees. After all, that would require a more outgoing personality. "Well, I haven't really talked to any of them. I always feel so stupid trying to talk to them." She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks.

"Thats because they're stupid, and their stupid is contagious." Laughing at the look that Taei gave her, Lillian continued. "Besides, its easy to talk to them. All you'd need is some practice... And Light, after all the years here, I'd need some practice too no doubt. Where did you see Tower Guard anyway? Have you been sneaking down to the Yard?" The smile on her face and her tone betrayed her teasing as friendly rather than malicious.

 

Lillian Tremina

Taei Mirel

 

A little shocked by the stupid comment Taei finally noticed the teasing in it and smiled back. "Well, actually, I've been sent after a couple greens from time to time. We all know where they usually are." Taei's grin broadened. "Three days ago, though, some of the Brown sisters recruited a bunch of trainees to help move some stuff around in the library. I think it might have been a punishment for them, but they seemed to enjoy the attention well enough."

"Ah." Grinning, Lillian found herself wishing she'd been in the library then. Which was utterly absurd, wanting to be there just to catch a mere glimpse of some young men was preposterous. Not that the thought did much good. "I'm sure they felt suitably chastised by it all. To think, when you're Accepted you'll be able to go down to the yards and train too, given much thought to it?"

Taei was thrown aback by that revelation. "Actually, I didn't know about that." She thought about the posibility for a minute. "I might, I'm not really sure. Being able to defend yourself is always good, though, and you can't channel in a Stedding and a few other places."

Grinning, Lillian added. "And you'll be able to go down to the Yards, which means you'll be able to talk to men again. If for no other reason that would be worth it in itself. You could even start looking for a warder. If you don't go Red that is." The last was said with a slight quirk to her lips.

Taei giggled at the thought of being a Red. "No, Red's not for me... I have to admit, though, I have never been too much of a people person. You should have met me before I came to the tower." Looking out the window she continued. "People can be cruel, and well, it gets old fast."

Reaching over and poking Taei in the midriff, Lillian grinned at her. "People can also be kind, don't be so quick to forget that. And you seem people enough to me."

Grinning at the poke Taei sighed. "Yeah, I know, I'm an old spoil sport." With that she stuck her tongue out and poked Lillian back. "That is one good thing about the Tower. For many it's a place to start over from whatever life has thrown at you." She grinned. "So, what did you start over from?" Poking Lillian in the side and winking she hoped that Lillian didn't react badly to the query.

"I am from Tarabon, yet I am Domani. My family were merchants, I was apprenticed to a jeweller and was to one day follow in my mother's footsteps. A testing by the Aes Sedai of the Panarch's court changed that though." Remembering them meant remembering what had happened, but enough time had passed that she was able to do so without tears. Having said that, her usual smile was absent.

Sensing the pain that must have taken her smile away Taei figured she'd move the subject on. "I grew up in Camelyn, where I was born I'm not quite sure, actually. My mother died when I was quite young and the woman who was healing her decided to take me in. I grew up calling her mother." A small smile showed up at the memories. "My father was a scribe, or, well... the man who raised me as his child." A little bit of confusion crossed her features for a second, but it quickly left. "I ran into an Aes Sedai by accident getting my father some supplies. She came over to have some work done and tested me and now I'm here." Thinking about Camelyn always brought her back to the crowds, the smells, and the sights. "I wish to go back and see them someday, but you never know where the wind will take you." With that she nudged Lillian and winked at her. "The wind will blow us on from here again."

Having a father for a scribe explained where Taei had gained her interest in books from. It was Taei's last words that brought back Lillian's smile though, the thought of moving on from the Tower one day was still one that occupied Lillian. Being free to do as she saw fit, something she was not allowed to do now without penalty. "Hopefully... Even if it takes forever, one day we'll be free to come and go as we please like our mentors. That would be something no?"

Glad to see the smile had returned she smiled even broader. "Yeah, it would be nice. Not to have to worry about doing all these chores would be nice too. Imagine, giving new novices chores and being able to come and go as we pleased. Even maybe getting a warder or a husband in the future." With that she winked at Lillian and started giggling. I'm acting like a little girl, but it's fun. Now I know what I missed in girl talk as a novice.

Giggling in turn, Lillian decided to make herself more comfortable as she laid back on her bed and folded her legs to one side. As funny as the thought was, there was also a certain wistfulness. "A husband, to think that most women our age..." Lillian mock frowned. "Well, my age, are married already. Sometimes makes you wonder what could have been. If I were honest with myself though, I don't think I would give what we have up, howabout you?"

Turing in the bed so that she could face Lillian she spoke up without hesitation. "No. I wouldn't give it up, but you never know what the future might bring. I've heard of more than one Aes Sedai leaving the tower because of love. We all know that lovers aren't in short supply around here." with a giggle she continued, "Just think about all the Greens running around."

"There are a few." Grinning, she thought about the Green sisters she knew. Only one of three she knew well enough would be interested in chasing men. That was also the same Aes Sedai she had gotten drunk with, had it only been her third year then? "Its probably the brown sisters you have to watch for though. Ever so quiet, can't be sure what they could get up to." There was definitely one Brown sister that came to mind.

A little intrigued by that last bit she decided to pry. "Brown sisters you say.... what do you know that I don't?" She gave her an interested look and waited for the juicy gossip.

Laughing, Lillian shook her head. "It wouldn't be right of me to say who, but let us say that one time I found a Brown Sister wrapping a man around her finger so easily you would have thought her a Green Sister. It was.... awkward." The grin on Lillian's face revealed that whatever awkwardness there had been, there was none now.

"Well, at least you know that she would never have made it as a Red." Laughing at the thought of a Red trying to wrap a man around her finger she had to wait a minute before she went on. "Anyways, I guess we had probably better be getting back to what we were supposed to be doing today."

Taei was right, as much as Lillian regreted it. "True." Swinging her legs over the side of the bed and getting to her feet, Lillian got the door for Taei but stopped her before she left. "Just remember to come by again, alright? In fact." Lillian grinned. "You should make a habit of it."

Smiling back at Lillian she hoped that she had found one of her first real friends in the Tower. "You can count on it." She gave Lillian a wink as she left and went off down the hallway towards her room. All right, time to get things going again.

Taei Mirel

Lillian Tremina


	3. Attempt Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taei's second attempt at the Arches.

Her talk with Lillian had helped a lot. She knew that the fear wasn't logical, but talking it out had helped. Knowing that the ter'angreal didn't always show you things that you were afraid of, but things that you needed to know, helped. She was much more at ease about it. In fact she was excited. She had finally been considered for Acceptedhood.

Brushing her hair she pictured herself as an Aes Sedai. All the things she would do and the places she would go. Putting the brush down she went to her bed. Maybe I will have a good night's sleep now.

\--

The sound of the door opening woke Taei up. Opening her sleepy eyes she was surprised to see the Mistress of Novices in her room again. "Come child." Blinking Taei wondered if she was dreaming. But as the Mistress of Novices just stood there smiling down on her she woke up more. I don't think this is a dream. I've never asked myself if I was dreaming in a dream before.

Sitting up Taei gathered her robe and slippers and followed the Mistress of Novices. Without the fog of sleepiness she paid close attention to her surroundings this time. She wanted to remember where the room was, or try to.

Finally they stopped at a familiar door. The Mistress of Novices opened it and waved Taei through. Knowing what was to come Taei walked through without hesitation this time. All right, I can do this this time.

The Mistress of Novices took her place and started to talk. Words that Taei remembered from the last time she was here. "Two things that no woman hears until she enters this room. Once you begin, you must continue to the end. Refuse to go on, no matter your potential and you will be very kindly put out of the Tower with enough silver to support you a year, and you will never be allowed back. Second. To streek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some women have entered, and never come out. When the terâ€™angreal was allowed to grow quiet, they - were - not - there. And they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Faltering leads to a failure.â€

Faltering leads to failure... What if I fail? What if I never come back!

â€œThis is your last chance, child. You may turn back now, and you will have only two marks against you. Once more will you be allowed to come here, and only at the third refusal will you be put out of the Tower. It is no shame to refuse. Many cannot do it their first time here. Now you may speak.â€

What if... what if... "I..." Taei tried to swallow the fear that was building up. "I... I can't!" Almost immobilized she slowly made her way to the door. It was like she was paralized. What if I never come back? What would happen to me? Would I die in there or would I just cease to be?

Beyond tears, Taei felt numb from head to toe. In a daze she followed the Mistress of Novices automatically. She just sat on her bed dazed for about an hour. Then she collapsed sobbing into her pillow. I've failed again! I've failed! What's wrong with me? I can't! I can't! I might as well go home. Taei sobbed. Her dream of becoming Aes Sedai seemed unreachable. Within her grasp, but still so far away. She just couldn't seem to cross that barrier. She wondered if she ever could...


	4. Talking it Out (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taei's second attempt at the Arches.

Taei didn't sleep after failing at her second shot at making Accepted. Pacing back and forth in her room she was amazed that she didn't wake up her roomate. She kept going over it in her mind. What is wrong with me? It's simple, just walk through the arch and take it as it comes. Still the fear if more nightmares like she had before kept her pacing the floor nervously.

Finally, the sky started to lighten with the first rays of daylight. There was a thick mist still and it looked like it might rain. A dreary day to fit my dreary mood. Thinking about the last time she had been called for the test she thought about Lillian.

"That's it!" quickly quiting as her roomate finally groaned and rolled over Taei got herself ready to meet a day that she was dreading.

\---

Finally she managed to get herself out of her room and put on a semi-composed face. Stopping at Lillian's door she knocked. By the light, I hope she's there! Trying not to fidget she waited.

Taei Mirel

 

Looking out the window, the light drizzle that was falling was relaxing... And a distraction. Frowning, Lillian tried to focus on her work, something that was proving more and more difficult. Even on the farm she had had free days, well, relatively free, when most of the work was done save for those things which were done daily. Light, but if she di-

"Thank the Creator." The knock on the door meant she had no choice but to answer it, and if she had to answer it she couldn't do her work. Quickly putting her books in a neat stack, Lillian rushed over to the door. Opening it, Lillian smiled broadly as she saw who it was. "Come in, come in."

Stepping out of the way, Lillian was glad to have Taei visit. While they mainly saw each other at meals, there were times they managed to get a chance to visit each other and talk privately. Taei was quickly proving to be someone who could keep things to herself, and that was something that Lillian appreciated. That wasn't to say she had found a person to spill her every thought to, she doubted she'd ever be able to do that. But being able to speak without having to worry that it may be taken badly was a welcome thing.

Sitting in the middle of the bed as Taei took the foot of the bed for herself, Lillian grinned. "So, usually you come by in the evenings, what is the special occasion?"

 

Lillian Tremina

 

Taei relayed the story of what happened to her the night before. About being called again for her arches and just.... freezing. "I couldn't sleep and now.... I'm here." Taei just looked out the window still frozen for the most part. Wanting to pace, wanting to scream, but her body wasn't allowing her to do anything. It was like she was wrapped up inside a bubble in her mind with all the emotions and feelings flowing through her mind, but not touching her.

Twice... No wonder Taei was worried, missing the first chance was one thing, many people did, but passing the second time, you only had one last chance left. Furthermore she was highly strung, and Lillian only knew so many ways to help with that. Thankfully, one of those means was available. "Before I say anything else, how much of today do you have to work by yourself Taei?"

Startled back to the here and now, Taei had to think for a moment before responding. "I was supposed to be researching today." Curiousity was even beyond her at that moment.

Nodding, Lillian grinned. "Trust me? Then close your eyes for me and count to ten."

Looking at Lillian crossways for a minute Taei finally conceded. Closing her eyes she started counting. "One.... two..." At that point she felt Lillian get up from the bed and move across the room. "Three... four... five..." Something in the room was opened. "Six... seven... eight..." Hearing a box or chest or someting shut Taei started to wonder what Lillian had up her sleeves. "Nine.. ten. Can I open them now?"

"Wait." Jumping back on the bed, Lillian grinned as she sat a bit closer to Taei and put what she'd recovered down. "Ok. Open your eyes and look down."

Opening her eyes she looked down and saw a bottle of wine and two cups. "I'm not one to drink..." She couldn't raise the curiosity to even ask where the bottle came from.

Raising an eyebrow, Lillian took up the bottle and began working at the cork with her thumbs as she spoke with a steel she rarely showed. "Thats a shame, because today you don't get a choice. We are going to talk about what happened, and we're going to have a drink while we do so." Freeing the cork, Lillian sat the cork with its top down on her bedstand so as not to leave a mark. "Now pick a cup and hold it while I pour."

Still floating outside herself she automattically followed the orders she was given. Picking up a cup she sat and watched Lillian pour the wine into it.

Pouring herself a cup in turn, Lillian leaned over the side of the bed and put the bottle on the ground. Lifting her cup, she touched hers with Taei's as she spoke. "Now drink."

Taei looked at the wine in the cup for a second, then took a mouthful. The wine had a seasoned taste to it. She had only had wine like that once or twice in her life. Always on a very special occasion.

Downing a rather unladylike amount in one go, Lillian looked to Taei as she spoke without the earlier steel. "You've told me what happened last night, but you haven't told me the why yet. Why did you choose not to go through? The same as before?"

Looking down at her cup for a moment she started talking, still no emotion, just the facts. She couldn't seem to get 'her' back together again. It was like she was two people, both there, both aware, but only one able to move or speak. "You can disappear and never come back." With that simple answer she downed the rest of her cup and put it back down in her lap. Looking at the cup again and lost in her own weird world of fellinglessness.

Finishing off her own cup, Lillian leaned over the bed and reclaimed the bottle. Returning the bottle after refilling the cups, Lillian broke the silence. "It is only a few who go through the arches that never return. A very few, most who fail do so because they cannot complete all three arches. If the chance were so great of novices being lost, they would not use the arches as their test."

Taei let her cup be refilled. She listened to Lillian and then thought over what she had just said. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." Taei took her cup and downed the whole thing in one gulp. Starting to feel the effects a little bit she could feel the bubble that she was in start to waiver like the feelings were starting to leek back through. Suddenly she felt a single tear roll down her cheek, she had no idea when she had started crying, or even why.

Finishing her drink a bit quicker than she would have liked, Lillian put the cup aside and moved closer to Taei. Pulling her to one shoulder, she let Taei lean on her as the tears came. Wine had been the way to do it when she was younger, and some things never changed. Usually it took longer, but as Taei had said, she wasn't a drinker. It was awhile before Taei's shuddering began to subside, which was Lillian's cue as she pulled away slightly with a mischevious grin as she caught Taei's eye. "I feel like a handkerchief." Laughing at the look she got, Lillian patted Taei's arm as she spoke. "You feeling a bit better now that you've let it out?"

She did feel better, but at the same time ashamed a bit. "Yes." It was all that she was able to muster as she tried to dry her eyes. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks and knew that she must be blushing. She looked back down at the cup in her hand. It must be the wine that did it. Must be...

"Good." Reaching for the bottle again, Lillian poured as she spoke. "You didn't do this the first time you came to me, or any of the subsequent times we saw each other. First way to face fear is to accept it, you've done that." Words her parents had spoken to her, they were painful to use, but at the same time it was her way of remembering them.

Taei listened as she watched the glasses refill. "I know that's it's stupid, the whole thing has been stupid. Fear is irrational and well, for some reason that ter'angreal brings it out everytime." Taei sighed as she took a more moderate sip of the wine handed to her. "I know it's simple, that all I have to do is get it overwith and deal with things as they come. But knowing and doing are two different things." Taking another sip she kept her eyes fixated on her cup.

Shaking her head, Lillian disagreed altogether. "No, no, no. Fear is rarely irrational, and you're scared for a good reason. Creator knows, I'm scared of those arches as well, there is that chance that you might not make it through. But it is the only way forward, and after all these years of work would you want to give up now? They don't just throw us at those arches, they prepare us beforehand. We just have to trust that they know when we are ready."

Again, what Lillian said made sense. "I know, the only choices are to go through or be put out next time. And I would hope that they made sure we were prepaired enought to make it through." Thinking about it a little more her mood started to lighten a tad. "I know that there's some that have been known to spend a lot longer before being called. I guess I should be flattered." With that she let a small smile come to her face. "I guess third time's the charm, hum?"

Taei Mirel

Lillian Tremina

 

Lillian smiled in return. "Yes it is. And you should be flattered, I'm still wearing my whites and haven't even been offered my first arches yet. Obviously you're doing something right that I'm not." In truth, Lillian had her own suspicions as to why she hadn't been asked to take her arches, but that was another matter altogether. Besides, now was the time for encouraging Taei, not a moment for self pity and frustration.

Feeling her friend's frustration, Taei thought she needed a little encouragement of her own. "I'm sure that you'll get your turn soon." She grinned at Lillian and continued. "After all, they can only keep us waiting so long." Pausing for a moment Taei couldn't help but worry a little about her next turn to do her arches. "I just hope that I can actually complete it next time." With that she took another sip from her cup. She knew that she was getting drunk, but she didn't really care at that point in time.

"You will." Reaching out and giving Taei's closest hand a squeeze, Lillian smiled. They had been kind words on Taei's part, but they brought her arches closer no quicker. But, when they happened, they happened. "See? I told you the wine was a good idea."

"I guess so." Starting to feel a little tingly Taei didn't know what to say other than that. The wine added to the crying and the numbness made her a tad sleepy, but she knew she couldn't sleep. It was a weird feeling, but not exactly an unpleasant one. Looking out the window she noticed that awhile had came by since she had left her room, but it didn't seem to really matter, either.

There's something I'm forgetting... The voice of her conscience seemed to be bugging her all of a sudden. Unable to shake the feeling that she was supposed to be somewhere else. Trying to figure out what it was she tried to figure out what time it was. It was getting close to the noon meal. "I guess we had better get ready for lunch. They should be calling us shortly." What she was missing still bugged her, but she couldn't figure it out. Putting the cup down she tried to stand up and almost fell over on the floor. "Well, maybe that's not such a good idea after all..."

Giggling, Lillian reached over the bed and held her hand out. "Take my hand and I'll help you up. And yes, I don't think we will be making the noon meal today. We must have been working so hard that we forgot the time."

Glad to have the support Taei took the hand extended and got up. When she could finally balance herself she let go. "I just hope that no Yellows see me and decide that I must be sick and need to be healed." Her lips twisted into a wry smirk as she thought about the troubles that would cause.

The thought gave Lillian another burst of giggles. "We would be a little hard pressed to explain it. You know, we do have a problem. There is still at least two cups each for us there, and we really need to have them, otherwise we can't get rid of the bottle. What if an Aes Sedai comes and finds it?" The thought that they could dispose of the bottle as it was, that was not a thought that occured to Lillian now.

Thinking for a second Taei managed to make one rational observation, but not even realize it. "Well, it will be hard to dispose of either way, but might as well not let it go to waste." With that Taei gave up on trying to balance and sat back down on the bed. It took too much effort to stand anyways.

Laughing, Lillian took up the cups and poured. It was a good hour later when she poured the last of the bottle. Another half hour later those cups were done, and she was able to secret away the signs of the plonk where she had hidden them to begin with, with Taei's eyes closed once more of course.

Lying on the bed, Lillian had to admit she was feeling a little sleepy, one of the risks that came with beginning one's drinking in the morning. Still, it had been worth it, and Taei was alot happier now than when she'd started. "Can open your eyes now. Light but I feel tired, how are you holding up?"

Taei felt good. Almost giddy. She was sleepy, but was even more relieved. Nothing could have went wrong at that moment and time, no matter what happened. With a dopey grin Taei managed to say, "Good. I feel good. I think I'm okay, but I don't think I could get up right now." The thought of her trying to weave her way to her room brought on a bout of giggles.

Giggling with Taei as Lillian imagined her trying to sneak by an Aes Sedai, it seemed they were going nowhere. "Oh dear, last time this happened, I had to sleep overnight in my friend's room so I would not be caught. That was after a few bottles though, we should be fine after an hour or so."

The thought of an Aes Sedai walking in on that slumber party left Taei breathless with laugter for a moment. Seeing the confused look on Lillian's face she explained and both of them collapsed in laughter. After they had control of themselves again, other than a snicker here or there, she spoke up. "We better find a way to get ourselves under control or else we'll have a dozen Aes Sedai coming in trying to figure out what's going on." Restraining the thought of a dozen Aes Sedai walking in she tried to keep a straight face.

The thought almost made her laugh, but there was a serious problem to it. If they kept making noise, someone would eventually come and look in, and they didn't need the attention. "We should probably sleep it off, I don't think I'm going to be able to stop laughing otherwise."

Getting a nod from Taei, Lillian grinned. At least there was no roommate, Taei could use her bed while she slept on the other one. "Stay here on this bed, I'll use that one." Getting to her feet, Lillian was rather ashamed of herself. There was a time she would never have felt unsteady after half a bottle. Slipping onto the bed, she was going to say something when sleep overtook her, Taei following a moment later.

 

Lillian Tremina

Taei Mirel


	5. Attempt Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taei's third attempt at the arches.

The creak of a door was all it took to awaken Taei most nights. Opening her eyes she was surprised to see the Mistress of Novices in her room yet again. "Come child." The Mistress of Novices just stood at the doorway looking a bit anxious this time. Sitting up Taei gathered her robe and slippers and followed the Mistress of Novices.

Remembering well the path to be taken this time, Taei paid more attention to the items lining the walls than where she was going. She knew the route well and tried not to think about it least anxiety creap in.

Finally they stopped at a very familiar door. The Mistress of Novices opened it and waved Taei through. Knowing what was to come Taei walked through. Now or never. The room was setup the same as always. Three Aes Sedai concentrating on the silver ter'angreal, one standing at the table with the silver chalices and the Mistress of Novices in the center of the room. All of them wearing, as always, their shawls.

The Mistress of Novices took her place and started to talk. Words that Taei remembered from the last time she was here. "Two things that no woman hears until she enters this room. Once you begin, you must continue to the end. Refuse to go on, no matter your potential and you will be very kindly put out of the Tower with enough silver to support you a year, and you will never be allowed back. Second. To streek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some women have entered, and never come out. When the ter'angreal was allowed to grow quiet, they - were - not - there. And they were never seen again. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Faltering leads to a failure. This is your last chance, child. You may turn back now, and you will have only two marks against you. Once more will you be allowed to come here, and only at the third refusal will you be put out of the Tower. It is no shame to refuse. Many cannot do it their first time here. Now you may speak."

Taking a deep breath, Taei steadied herself. "I'm ready."

The sister beside the table spoke up. "Whom do you bring with you, Sister?"

"One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister." the Mistress of Novices responded, starting the litany that was familiar in it's own way.

"Is she ready?"

"She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."

"Does she know her fears?"

"She has never faced them, but now is willing."

"Then let her face what she fears."

"Undress, child." Looking shocked for only a moment Taei did as she was told without question. Guiding Taei by the elbow, the Mistress of Novices moved towards the first faintly glowing arch, "The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."

After another deep breath Taei walked trough the archway and into... her bedroom.

Bed neatly made, shelves lined with books and nick-nacks that she had collected over the years. The plain wooden desk that she had been given as a birthday present. All was as it should be.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. A reminder sounded in her head. "It's a test, only a test. I can do this." Unsure of what she was supposed to be doing she looked around the room and eventually sat on the bed. There seemed to be something she was missing, but she couldn't seem to figure it out. Laying back to try to think for a minute she dozed briefly.

"Feeling better now?" Opening her eyes Taei saw her mother standing over her, just as she had always been described to her as a girl, blonde hair up in a bun and wearing a blue riding dress. "Better?" Taei croaked, her throat suddenly dry. Licking her lips Taei noticed the concern on the woman's face. "You've been sick. Thank the Light that there was an Aes Sedai in town, otherwise you might not still be with us."

Trying to get her bearings Taei sat up in bed. She felt weak all over, but that was to be expected. "It is? I know it's true, but I've never been around Aes Sedai, have I?"

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. That was supposed to mean something, but Taei didn't remember what. Almost like her concience trying to remind her of a valuable lesson. "Can you get up?" Taei nodded weakly. "Good. It will be easier if you can come to the table to eat. We can talk about what happened then as well." With a smile her mother started to walk away.

A silver arch winked into existance at the other side of her room. Instantly Taei knew what had happened. What she was supposed to remember, it all came back in a rush. "It's so nice here, though. To be with my mother. Catch up on all the things that we never did, that we never had a chance to."

Just the other side of the doorway her mother stopped and turned around. "Coming?" "What if I stay here? What if this moment continued forever? What if we could redo everything, just start fresh and live all over again." Torn, Taei stood there as if stunned, undecided as to what to do. "Taei, my love, you all right." Turning towards her mother she could feel the tears rolling down her face. Taei noticed the arch was gone. "Yes, Mom, I'm fine, just fine."

\---

Everyone in the room watched the silver archway of the ter'angreal. Hoping, praying that the young girl that had went in would come out again. It had been a long time, too long. All of them knew what had happened, but they still hoped.

Finally ter'angreal went cold and there was nothing there. Now came the hard part, letting all her friends and family know that Taei Mirel was no more. She was just simply not there.


	6. Nynaeve's Response

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nynaeve's response to what had happened.

Nynaeve stood next to the table where the silver chalices stood, awaiting with the other two Aes Sedai present for the Mistress of Novices who went to fetch Taei. It was rumored that the child has refused the test twice before. That meant that this was the last time she was given the chance, before being cast out of the tower.

Nynaeve understood Taei's fear. Every Aes Sedai did, even if most did not appear they did. An Aes Sedai's arches were extremely personal and was shared, if at all, with intimate friends. Many have been scarred by their arches. The one who managed to find their way back, that is.

Pure temptation. That was what the arches represented. They came to test one's dedication. The tower had to be the first priority. Above all. Above a mother, above a father, above sibling, above a lover, above everything. Even yourself. Loyalty and responsibility were tested in such a way. And the ones who did not have an abundance of both never returned.

Nynaeve moved her eyes to the entrance as the doors opened to reveal the Mistress of Novices and Taei. Closing her eyes, Nynaeve murmured a pray, as she always did for every Novice who was going to enter the arches, hoping the creator would illumine their way back. After Taei agreed to take the test, Nynaeve exchanged ceremonial words with the Mistress of Novices and Taei was sent into the Terangreal.

The link was held between the thee Sedai. Nynaeve wasn't the one controlling it, but she could feel the source being fed into the Arches. Time seemed to stretch as time passed. Nynaeve couldn't stop staring at it, waiting for the Novice's tiny figure to come out.

Abruptly, the vibration of the Terangreal stopped and it grew cold. The link dissolved and Nynaeve's eyes widened. "She's...gone." Shivers ran down Nynaeve's spine at her own words. She didn't know Taei at all. A stranger's face, nothing more. She shouldn't have meant anything to Nynaeve, yet she did. Her loss weighed on Nynaeve's heart. It pained her to see someone so young and promising to be lost to, what at times seemed to her, a cruel and unncessary test.

 

Walking to the Arches, Nynaeve sighed heavily and ran her hand over it. Deep inside she wanted to channel into the arches and run inside to rescue Taei. But she knew that if she did enter, she would meet her own personal hell, one she wasn't keen on seeing ever again.

Looking up at the Arches, Nynaeve frowned. She had seen that artifact claim too many lives. Of course it was never proven that the Arches' victims were dead, but they were gone from the world. Nynaeve hoped they were living a dream and not being swallowed in darkness.

All she could do was hope.

 

Nyn  
Yellow


	7. Aramina's Response

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aramina's response to what happened.

Aramina hated to be included in these things. Everytime she walked into this room she remembered her own Arches and the truths they had revealed. Unfortunately for Aramina, it hadn't been until the night of her Vigil within the Green Ajah had she truly understood the depth of her passion for the Tower and the fact that everyone in her life paled when placed next to the needs of the Tower. Natalie had just been the first to lose out in that particular battle.

As the young woman was brought in Aramina took a deep breath and calmed herself. Everyone who walked in this room understood the risk, but knowing that didn't help to make her feel any less nervous. Another deep breath as the other Aes Sedai reached for the source and Aramina followed.

She kept her eyes forward, concentrating on the arch so much that she didn't notice time or the nervous glances that happened around her. When the Arches finally fell silent she took another deep breath to keep the sorrow from showing through.

She'd never been at the Arches when someone had been lost but she had experienced it more than once within the Tower. She didn't know if it was her participation in the Arches or something else, but this hit her harder than it had before and she had to keep her facade firmly in place to keep from showing it.

The girl was gone. No knowing why. No understanding or knowledge could be gained from it. The girl was gone and the White Tower was left with one less supporter. As the others spoke soft words to one another, Aramina simply stared into the Arches, wondering where the White Tower had gone wrong for that girl.

Aramina sur Dulciena  
Battle Sister


End file.
